The Earthbound Clouds

[The Earthbound Clouds]

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

Gandalf: I can put it no plainer than by saying that Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, and not by its maker

Me: no plainer, really Gandalf? There’s nothing about that that you could clarify further? Nothing at all?

[The Earthbound Clouds]

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

Middle Earth has cram, a biscuit that is unpleasant to eat, which is based on hardtack, a real life counterpart that Tolkein would have eaten while at war. Middle Earth also has lembas, a delicious elven bread that is based on the fact that the real world sucks and fantasy is way better. 

[The Earthbound Clouds]

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

Why did people in the Hobbit think Sauron was a Necromancer? Did they SEE him raise any dead people? Did they even get close enough to Dol Guldur to spy on some dark rituals? Or was it mostly ad hoc slander to justify kicking out a PEACEFUL spirit from his home who RARELY kidnapped any dwarves. 

[The Earthbound Clouds]

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

Me: So the sword that was broken…that’s actually about erectile dysfunction, right?

My literature professor: no, it’s the broken lineage of Numenor 

Me: but…beneath that…it’s erectile dysfunction, right?

[The Earthbound Clouds]

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

Lord of the Rings, except the Fellowship includes one disaffected orc played by Taika Waititi. 

[The Earthbound Clouds]

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

I always forget that Rohan is north of Gondor because I associate Rohan with cowboys and Gondor with like, city folk, and it’s weird thinking about cowboys living north of the city folk, you know? It just feels like they should be in the warmer south. 

[The Earthbound Clouds]

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

Now news came to Hithlum that Dorthonion was lost and the sons of Finarfin overthrown, and that the sons of Fëanor were driven from their lands. Then Fingolfin beheld the utter ruin of the Noldor, and the defeat beyond redress of all their houses; and filled with wrath and despair he went to his room, ate half a box of cookies while crying,  and took a four hour long depression nap.

[The Earthbound Clouds]

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

Saruman: Moria… You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep.

Gimli: Wait, what do you mean too deep? We’re miners! We didn’t know there was a limit. Why is it too deep? Did the Balrog call dibs on that depth? We didn’t know there was a Balrog, why is it our fault that we awoke something evil that we didn’t know about? Talk about blaming the victim here. 

[The Earthbound Clouds]

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

With so many people upset about the final season of Game of Thrones, I’m getting nervous about the upcoming Lord of the Rings show. 

“I can’t believe they didn’t show Sauron convincing the king to perform human sacrifice!”

“I totally thought the fall of Numenor was going to take more than one episode. Like, that wave was barely fifty feet high!”

“In the books Elendil is like 8 feet tall, I can’t believe they couldn’t find an actor taller than 6′1.”

[The Earthbound Clouds]

Sam reading Frodo’s writing

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

“An angry Ent is terrifying. Their fingers, and their toes, just freeze on to rock; and they tear it up like bread-crust”

Sam: You have to stop writing when you’re hungry, Mr. Frodo. Have a snack and then get back to it.